I just got back from a two-hour gambling session at Green Valley Ranch. I lost money-–more than I should have.

On the drive home I felt somehow liberated–-liberated from the urge to keep gambling. I felt normal again. I am not a child. I am an adult with a college degree, but there are things gamblers tell themselves on the drive home that seem a bit childlike.

For example, after I lose my first big bill I tell myself that “this machine” is due. How do I know? Because the last person who played this particular machine lost money and left me 37 cents as a credit. If this person lost, then I’ll be a winner, right? I’ve been gambling in Las Vegas for at least 20 years and never came out a winner overall, so how come I tell myself the machine is due?)

So I play–and I got a few bonuses, and then none. I lose my second big bill. I stay on the same machine because I know it’s due. But the machine doesn’t know me….or care. I lose again. I have some back-up money that is supposed to stay in my purse forever, but I know it’s there. And I reach for the back-up money. A bit of a recovery takes place, but eventually almost all the money is gone. I get up, suddenly knowing I was the idiot who stayed too long and lost most of my money. (I don’t lose it all because I always cash out $19.00 or less from each $100 and keep my fives and ones at home until I get enough for more gambling outings. Yes, that is my “system” and Iowa State did not teach me this system!)

Why is it about that gambling makes me not think clearly? If I had a date with a man I didn’t like, would I call him again and and again and beg for more dates? No, my mother taught me better than that.

Or what if I “hoped” a gentleman friend would call telling myself I was “due” a call, and I sat in my bedroom waiting for days–and he didn’t call. No, Mom would not like that either.

So what is it about gambling that makes me not so smart? Is it the lure of a big win? Is it something to do to avoid boredom (that’s a good point). Is it the opportunity to talk to other “mature” college graduates about your gambling experiences while they talk of theirs? Is it the opportunity to accumulate “points” that allow free food after hundreds of dollars of losses? Is it that the weather is coming and casinos have great air conditioning? Is it a shameful hobby for a grown woman who never liked knitting or babysitting?

Today is Friday and tomorrow is gift day at the Tuscany. I have some acquaintances who love the casino gifts. I must go to Tuscany and get the gifts for them. AND I’ll lose enough to make sure all those wonderful Tuscany employees have a payday. See how wonderful gambling makes me?