In an act of almost unimaginable cruelty and stupidity, a tourist attacked several flamingos at Flamingo resort on the Las Vegas Strip. He then took one of the flamingos to his room. We are not making this up.
Rather than commanding that this asshat be hanged, drawn and quartered, as the circumstances warranted, a judge let him out on $12,000 bail and gave him a stern warning.
Mitchell Fairbarn, the jizz trumpet in question, didn’t even show up to hear the judge’s warning. We’ve been madder before, but even sitting in F1 traffic jams is a far cry from our current level of gruntle about this fiasco.
Backstory: So, on Tuesday morning, March 3, 2026, a by-all-accounts blind drunk Mitchell Fairbarn broke into the flamingo habitat at Flamingo Las Vegas.
He attacked several birds, then captured one named Peachy, and proceeded to take it back to his room on the 14th floor of the hotel. It was not consensual.
This ass clown proceeded to harass and torture the flamingo, even taking photos and video of the crime.
Specifically, he choked the flamingo and threw it to the floor, “while laughing.”
According to the Las Vegas Review-Journal, “In one video, he choked a flamingo’s neck as the bird screamed and cried, records indicated.”
See, this is why women prefer bears to men in the woods. Many of us are complete tool bags.
Fairbarn was arrested quickly and faced four counts of “willful or malicious torture, maiming or mutilation of an animal kept for companionship or pleasure.”
We have no idea how that particular wording is still on the books; it sounds like it was drafted during the same era as the Salem witch trials.
On the bright side, it’s a felony.
The shitweasel posted a $12,000 cash bond. Nominal, considering Fairbarn reportedly makes $1.2 million a year plus in his job as a world-class jerkoff.
We’re kidding. Local media has done zero legwork to figure out who this guy is or where he works. The court covered his face when photos were released of the alleged cockwomble committing his crimes.
This butt trumpet doesn’t deserve anonymity. He deserves a public flogging and dismemberment.
On the bright side, Peachy and the other injured flamingos are doing well, expected to make full recoveries.
Following the incident, Caesars Entertainment released a statement:
“We are aware of the deeply distressing incident involving a guest who was arrested for breaking into our Wildlife Habitat and assaulting our flamingos. The safety and well-being of our iconic flock are of the utmost importance to us, and we will be pursuing charges against this individual to the fullest extent possible. Our beloved birds, including Peachy, who was cruelly taken from the habitat, are currently in the care of dedicated veterinarians and our extraordinary Flamingo animal care team. We remain hopeful they will make a full recovery. We are grateful to the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department and to our security and animal care teams for their swift response. We appreciate the outpouring of concern from our guests and the community, and we remain focused on supporting the continued recovery of these remarkable birds.”
See, a corporate public relations person doesn’t have the freedom to use the term “jizz trumpet,” but you can bet your ass they wanted to.
What hasn’t been discussed in media coverage is the tricky subject of why flamingos are on display at Flamingo in the first place.
Animals kept in captivity for entertainment are already a hot-button issue, but animals in captivity in close proximity of throngs of drunk tourists? It’s a recipe for disaster.
Reports of animal abuse at Flamingo’s habitat aren’t common, but back in 2013, a tourist named Justin Teixeira decapitated one of the habitat’s helmeted guinea fowl, Turk.
We took the last known photo of Turk before he was senselessly killed.
Teixeira’s felony became a misdemeanor and he was sent to a prison boot camp for 190 days. Others involved served two days each in jail.
The mind reels and the blood boils.
The recent attack could end up with a very different resolution for the turd gargler. Seriously, this story had better end soon, as we are running out of pejorative terms. We don’t feel right about “douche canoe,” as that’s reserved for cigar smokers. In fact, it’s time for a little break from the sadness of an animal abuse article. Enjoy this video that has been viewed by more than a million people on Twitter.
Enjoy this world premiere of a song we made for you. We can’t stop singing it and hope you do not have the same experience, probably. pic.twitter.com/f0BKdxYJWj
— Vital Vegas (@VitalVegas) September 7, 2024
How could the recent attack be treated differently than previous incidents? Two words: Reba’s Law.
Reba’s Law is a Nevada animal-cruelty law enacted in 2025 as Assembly Bill 381 (AB381). It was passed after a high-profile Las Vegas case involving a bulldog named Reba who died after being left in a sealed plastic bin in extreme heat.
Reba’s Law strengthens Nevada’s animal-cruelty statutes by increasing criminal penalties and expanding protections for abused animals.
The law broadened the definition of animal abuse, and upped sentences.
Animal advocates have been frustrated by a lack of awareness about the provisions in Reba’s Law. Now’s a great time to increase awareness in the form of a stern punishment.
If this ass clown gets a slap on the wrist, we riot. Mitchell Fairbarn’s cut-and-dry case is the perfect occasion to rain down hell upon this sphincter biscuit.
In the meantime, Caesars Entertainment may have some soul-searching to do. Mirage’s dolphins and exotic cats were relocated. You know, out of the desert. Bellagio Conservatory’s koi now reside in a pond in Nipton. People kept throwing coins in their water features at Bellagio, pennies are toxic to koi.
If you miss the koi at the Bellagio Conservatory, know they are fat and happy in a pond in Nipton (an hour from Vegas), the circus community owned and curated by “Absinthe” producer Ross Mollison. Pennies are toxic to koi, happy to see them quietly relocated. pic.twitter.com/lrNl7haafM
— Vital Vegas (@VitalVegas) March 3, 2026
Now’s the time for Caesars Entertainment to make a move if it’s thinking about closing the flamingo habitat. The company would take a P.R. hit if it’s closed based upon cost-cutting (that’s sort of inevitable), but after the recent incident, they can say: “The welfare of our feathered friends is very important to us, so we’re closing this beloved attraction to ensure no animals will be harmed in the future. We have a whole wall of flamingos at Bugsy & Meyers, so go visit them!”
Or something. Just as the pandemic provided cover for closing buffets, this could be an opportunity to bow out of the habitat business without risking backlash.
Oh, and not all buffets closed: Bacchanal Buffet made $70 million in revenue last year. The typical buffet loses $3 million a year.
A high-ranking Caesars Entertainment executive told us there are no “imminent” plans to close the flamingo habitat.
But back to the exploitation of animals.
When magicians try to feature animals in their casino shows today, officials wisely nix their plans. Jay Owenhouse was the most visible example, when he tried to use big cats in his tent show across from Mandalay Bay.
MGM’s big cats were relocated to the Lion Habitat Ranch in Henderson.
The flamingos at Flamingo are iconic and a wonderful amenity. They’re also very vulnerable.
We hate that an attraction could go away because of the acts of a few twatwaffles, but it only takes one to end an innocent creature’s life.
Mitchell Fairbarn’s fate remains to be seen. Lock him up and throw away the key.
